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Unicorns subsist on plant life that
is no longer living.
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Nate Collins subsists on a steady
diet of running backs.
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Unicorns have shimmering hair,
especially when exposed to
sunlight.
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Nate Collins' hair shimmers at all
times, even when hidden under
his football helmet.
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Unicorns are extraordinarily swift
of foot.
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Nate Collins has never been
outrun by a unicorn.
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According to legend, the only
way to capture a unicorn was
for a virgin to wait alone in a
place where unicorns were
known to be found; upon seeing
the virgin, the unicorn would run
up and lay its head in her lap, at
which point it would be captured
by hunters hiding nearby.
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Virgins don't capture Nate Collins.
Unless Nate Collins wants them to.
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Unicorns are careful not to tread
on even the tiniest living thing.
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Nate Collins tramples everything in
his path.
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Unicorns can run silently through
the forest.
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Nate Collins doesn't run silently.
Nate Collins wants you to know
he's coming.
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Unicorn horns neutralize poison.
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Nate Collins neutralizes opposing
offenses.
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Unicorns are symbols of purity
and faithfulness.
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Nate Collins doesn't symbolize
anything. He's too busy kicking
your ass.
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